I am a product of my environment
so are you
I neither was starved nor wore dirty clothes. A table full of food and clean clothes were predictable. I never had to worry about where I had to sleep. I was given a cosy room with all the essentials and more. The thing I never knew was how to predict my family’s moods, expectations and reactions. It was a secluded environment and I was starved of attention and affection. Technically I couldn't complain and I never did but my heart used to beat so fast at the slightest raise of an authoritative voice. I memorised the foot steps and calculated how to talk to my parents and my brother without getting on their nerves. My punishments often included silent treatments, belittling and constant criticism. I was expected to be an adult and a child at their benefit. I couldn't tell which one they wanted me to be because it switched all the time. I am a product of emotionally unstable and emotionally unavailable environment. My family saw and heard everyone but me. At least that’s how I felt. Feelings are subjective and not even I could dismiss my own feelings. I started complaining, not of the materials but of the constant hunger and yearning I had for affection. Never knew how to voice them correctly so often confrontations turned into arguments and fights. After about the millionth commotion I had created at home I had moulded them into the version I always wanted them to be. Only I am not seventeen anymore to enjoy their growth. I have grown out of that need or maybe I am just fed up. Or have they changed? The minute I let my guard down, I see how unseen I am even after all these years. The consequences of their parenting tactics were me being extremely emotionally unstable, socially repressed, possibly undiagnosed of many things, and still being blamed, dumped all the wrongdoings on my shoulders and being labelled as the family’s burden. The unpredictability continues. My biggest wish in life was to be seen and heard, especially by my family. I have given up on that. In fact, I have given up on many things in life. Maybe it’s time for me to adopt some stoic principles and label them as a preferred indifference. This isn't a cry for help. This is how I was forced and pressured to detach from everyone and everything in life. Do I crave a getaway from life, yes. Do I chase it? No.
I also want to bring your attention that it was never fully their fault because the world used to only care about the grades, salaries and marriages. I am incredibly grateful, now the world has evolved enough to care about mental health, emotional wellbeing and nuances of psychological frameworks in people. It is thrilling to see them care and evolve, turning inwards. I may feel sudden sadness time to time but again as a Buddhist I am learning to accept and let go of the ideal teen hood and early twenties I could’ve had if I had a perfect life. That doesn’t exist. It’s just a dream. I had some things and I didn’t have some things but at the end of the day, the only reason I had room left in my brain to notice the unaffectionate circumstances in my life was because my basic needs and some of the wants were met. I aim to make up for all the things I lost in my own way while leaving the past behind. I am a product of the environment I was raised in just like you but now, I am a product of the environment I created. The choice to recreate myself was the best decision I had ever made in my life. Blaming others will only keep you where you don’t want to be.