Signs That You're in a Narcissistic Relationship
Learn about narcissistic people
What narcissism is?
This word has been tossed around all over the internet so I think we need to clarify what this things actually is before we go any further. It is one thing to destigmatize mental health problems but it is another thing to normalize it. The word “Narcissist” is deployed to refer to,
People who are full of themselves
People who give you an extremely charming first impression
People who have a hunger for appreciation and admiration
People who desire to be center of attention
People who unnecessarily expect of special treatment
People who have a grandiose sense of self-importance
image source pinterest
How someone becomes a narcissist?
Are they born that way or is it developed during the childhood. Narcissism is based on two beliefs attributed to infants—omnipotence and limitlessness. The baby is dependent on their parents, specially the mother when it comes to their whole existence. Everything is new except for the connection they have with the person they came out from. For an infant, they are a part of you. They don’t perceive separateness between themselves and their caregivers for a foreseeable time. Babies take time to learn they may not receive an immediate response when they have a need. Babies learn the balance of separateness togetherness and mutual support. “Thus, when an infant is unable to develop trust and to accept that her caregiver will meet her needs, unpleasant consequences can result. Without learning about the limits of power and control within a healthy early relationship, the desire to control others and demand the dissolution of another’s personal boundaries circumscribes—and circumvents—their efforts at developing successful relationships in adulthood.” - Dr. Suzanne Degges-White
I think they don’t learn the omnipotence isn’t possible so they start to control and demand. Basically a narcissist is someone whose trust was broken by their caregiver.
They were babies who deprived of warmth and attention from their parents. Probably why they have the constant need of being center of attention.
Can they be cured?
Psychologist Kristin Neff had concluded that self esteem is positively associated with narcissism. Nowadays we confuse self esteem for self compassion. Self esteem is based on outcome but self compassion is about being kind to yourself. Treating yourself as humanely as possible. She also says self compassion is more stable than self esteem. It is also said kids only benefit from praise when it is sincere and when it is based on real attributes.
A Stanford study confirmed that toddlers show more motivation when they are praised for effort as opposed to talent. Further research from Ohio State University concluded that inflated praise is hurtful to kids with low self-esteem. This is particularly unfortunate, as parents tend to dish out more extreme praise to children when they struggle with low self-esteem. These kids then tend to “shrink from new challenges.”
The magical cure for narcissism is “Self Compassion”. Narcissism is a facade for deep feelings of unworthiness and fear of failure. Therefor, having and practicing compassion on yourself is going to cure that deep dark feelings. Self kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness are natural antibodies for narcissism and self compassion has all three. If you address your feelings of unworthiness and fear of failure and work on it to get better, you will see the other end of narcissism. Because it’s an act of self compassion. You saw there was something missing in yourself and even though it was difficult to accept it, you accepted it and took on the challenge of bettering yourself because you deserve kindness just for being you. Not for your talents or titles or your appearance. You are human. You are a living breathing person who feel and that is reason enough to be kind to yourself.
How to spot Narcissistic abuse?
All fun and games until you have to actually deal with one. And there is another word thrown around with narcissism. And that is abuse. Narcissistic abuse.
Abuse is abuse. It doesn’t have a map or a framework. “Abuse is treating another another person with violence, cruelty, hate, harm or force.” And it could be emotional or physical, sometimes both. You do not have to have bruises to be proven that you were abused. Sometimes the bruises are imprinted in our brains and personality not on our physical body. “Narcissists have hidden wounds of shame so they work really hard to avoid to feel that shame. Their coping mechanisms are abusive towards the others. Specially if you have a close relationship. Abuse may be emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual.”
Verbal abuse includes belittling, bullying, accusing, blaming, shaming, demanding, ordering, threatening, criticizing, sarcasm, raging, opposing, undermining, interrupting, blocking, and name-calling. Note that many people occasionally make demands, use sarcasm, interrupt, oppose, criticize, blame, or block you. Consider the context, malice, and frequency of the behavior before labeling it narcissistic abuse. Sometimes in my experience, some of these things are hard to recognize right away but you always feel off and trust that feeling.
Manipulation: Generally, manipulation is indirect influence on someone to behave in a way that furthers the goals of the manipulator. Often, it expresses covert aggression. Think of a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” On the surface, the words seem harmless – even complimentary; but underneath you feel demeaned or sense a hostile intent. If you experienced manipulation growing up, you may not recognize it as such. Like I said before. You get conditioned within the manipulation sometimes you even crave it. Fight harder to get rid of the crave.
Emotional blackmail: Emotional blackmail may include threats, anger, warnings, intimidation, or punishment. It’s a form of manipulation that provokes doubt in you. You feel fear, obligation, and or guilt, sometimes referred to as “FOG”. They are really good making you feel bad or guilty when you have done something for yourself that makes you feel good.
Gaslighting: Intentionally making you distrust your perceptions of reality or believe that you’re mentally incompetent. Your side of the story is completely ignored. You end up believing them which is worst part of the whole thing. They gaslight you to a point that you start to wonder if you were the one who needs to apologize. They could have done worse but they will always make you feel like biggest loser. You start to question yourself instead of their behavior and they’ll probably even forgive you for something they did so you feel like you owe them something and they’re this very good people who are extremely forgiving and kind. I know. It happens.
Competition: Competing and one-upping to always be on top, sometimes through unethical means. E.g. cheating in a game. They are sore losers. They become very dramatic when they lose.
Negative contrasting: Unnecessarily making comparisons to negatively contrast you with the narcissist or other people. It is cruel. They think they’re perfect, in order to be persistent with that false belief they make you feel bad by comparing you with themselves and others. Your body, your personality, your past, the way you were raised, your friends, your hobbies, your goals, your confidence, they pull all that down so you would feel small when you’re around them.
Sabotage: Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage. The minute the see you are doing a little bit better than you did with them, they come back. It’s like a radar. They just can not tolerate you moving on or doing something for yourself so they try to pull you back to that little cage they made for you.
Exploitation and objectification: Using or taking advantage of you for personal ends without regard for your feelings or needs. Making you feel like less of a human. Or you’re there to please them.
Hypocrisy - They bend the rules when it benefits them but harden the rules to make you look like the villain. They keep changing on you.
Lying: Persistent deception to avoid responsibility or to achieve the narcissist’s own ends. They would say anything to have it their way. To get what they want.
Withholding: Withholding such things as money, sex, communication or affection from you.
Neglect: Emotional and physical negligence.
Privacy invasion: Ignoring your boundaries by looking through your things, phone, mail your journal denying your physical privacy or stalking or following you; ignoring privacy you’ve requested. They don’t give you air. They need to know everything and they will do anything to know everything.
Character assassination or slander: Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people. Making things up and spread it out so they could paint a bad picture about you.
Violence: This includes blocking your movement, pulling hair, throwing things, or destroying your property.
Financial abuse: Financial abuse might include controlling you through economic domination or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or by accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property.
Isolation: Isolating you from friends, family, or access to outside services and support through control, manipulation, verbal abuse, character assassination, or other means of abuse. Wouldn’t let you go out on your own. In some way if you manage to go out they would find a way to disrupt your enjoyment.
Ownership - They’ll act like you are their property rather than a person.
Compassion - If you are highly compassionate person, they’d definitely take advantage of you. They feed off of your compassion. They would perceive it as a weakness and will always assume you’ll be available for them. Let me tell you now, compassion is never a weakness. it’s a strength. It’s a rare strength but do not let it consume you or control you.
Narcissism and the severity of abuse exist on a continuum. It may range from ignoring your feelings to violent aggression. Typically, narcissists don’t take responsibility for their behavior and shift the blame to you or others; however, some do self-reflect and are capable of feeling guilt. In my case, they never did. But don’t let it be your life story. Use that to build yourself up. Upgrade your brain and your life. Take advantage of the abuse you went through. There’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t wait for them to change either. Don’t expect. Focus on yourself.
Are you a narcissist?
The most significant sign is the accusations of the others. Not one but many. Because narcissists are unaware of themselves.
Same toxic relationship patterns would also indicate that you have a problem.
Anyways if you’re worried, the best thing is to do your research and see a licensed healthcare provider.
Resources
Is There a Cure for Narcissism?